There once was an old man of Esser,
Whose knowledge grew lesser and lesser,
It at last grew so small
He knew nothing at all,
And now he's a college professor.
There once was a lady, Ilene,
Who liver on distilled kerosene,
But she started absorbin'
A new hydrocarbon
and since then she'd never benzene
There once was a lady from Hyde,
Who ate a green apple and died,
While her lover lamented,
The apple fermented,
and made cider inside her inside.
there was a young lady one fall
Who wore a newspaper dress to a ball.
The dress caught fire
And burned her entire
Front page, sporting section and all.
There was an old man of Philly,
Who was hooked on the movie Free Willy.
He quit his job at the jail,
for a dolphin and whale,
And so was the life of Wee Willy.
A mouse in her room woke Miss Doud
Who was frightened and screamed very loud
Then a happy thought hit her
To scare off the critter
She sat up in bed and just meowed
There once was a old man from Norway -
who cussed as he sat in a doorway-
the door smacked him flat-
and he yelled "what was that"?
that disgruntled old man from Norway!
There was a fat turkey named Sam,
Who gobbled whenever he ran.
He came out of the bush,
Presenting his tush,
And was shot up the arse by a man.
There once was a kid named Darren
Who's room was surprisingly barren
He had no toys
Like all normal boys
But he did believe in sharing
There was a young lady from Niger,
Who smiled as she rode on a tiger.
After the ride
She was inside,
And the smile was on the face of the tiger
There once was a guy named Matt
Who had an overly large cat
When it chased a mouse
It shook the whole house
So Matt got rid of the cat.
There once was a consumer named Phil
Who really wanted to kill
A sly young vendor
Who mad him a big spender
And gave him a very large bill.
There was an announcer named Herschel
Whose habits became controversial,
Because when out wooing
Whatever he was doing
At ten he'd insert his commercial
There was an old lady from Clyde
Who ate forty apples and died
The apples fermented
inside the lamented
and made cider inside her insides
There once was a lady named Perkins
Who simply doted on Gherkins
They were so nice
She ate too much spice
and pickled her internal workin's
I've been studying all night and I'm tired,
But I can't sleep because I'm so wired.
So I'll play on the net
'Stead of going to bed,
And my tests will seem a quagmire.
There once was a girl whose name was Jen.
Whose room was as messy as a pig pen
It got so cluttered
She shook and muttered
Oh, but everything blends, AMEN.
There was a young maid from Madras
Who had a magnificent ass;
Not rounded and pink,
As you probably think---
It was grey, had long ears, and ate grass.
There once was a boy from Montreal
Who loved to play basketball
For a team he tried out
But if he made it, I doubt
For you see, he was three feet tall!
There once was a lady named Lynn
Who was so uncommonly thin,
that when she assayed
to drink lemonade,
she slipped through the straw and fell in!
There was a young man from Cape Cod
Who's occupation was odd
He caught fish all day
Without any pay
There was a young man named Wyatt
whose voice was exceedingly quiet
And then one day
it faded away
A wonderful bird is the Pelican.
His beak can hold more than his belly can.
He can hold in his beak
Enough food for a week!
But I'll be darned if I know how the hellican?
There once was a funny old whale
who had a magnificent tail
A seaport moved out
when the whale came about
and attempted to swim in a pail.
A dinosaur stomped into a mall
where people are tiny and small
Now why did you think
I was really extinct
the dinosaur roared with a drawl.
There once was a fellow named Jim
Who took his girl out for a spin
The speedometer rose
The gas pedal froze
They found parts of her but not him
There was a fat cat on a mat
Who liked to chase mice named pat.
He chased them around
And fell on the ground
And smashed them until they were flat
There was a young man from Melbourne
Who was hit over the head with a wombat
When asked did it hurt
He said ," No not a bit
You can do it again if you like."
Some people say that a limerick
Is some kind of anonymous gimmerick
A Lear or a Nash
May own up to this trash
But never a Wordsworth, a Herrick or Himmerick
There was a young man from the city,
Who saw what he thought was a kitty.
To make sure of that
He gave it a pat.
They buried his clothes; what a pity.
A disgusting old man from La Jolla
Has a habit that's sure to anolla.
Before telling a joke
He'll give you a poke,
And remark, "This'll really destrolla."
There was a young man from the Clyde
Who fell down a sewer and died
Along came his brother,
Who fell down another
And now they're interred side by side!
There once was a fellow named Clyde
who went to a funeral and cried.
When asked who was dead,
he stammered and said
I don't know, I just came for the ride.
There once was a lady from Spain
Who was sick as she rode on a train.
Not once, but again--
and again and again--
and again and again and again.
A man with two chins
Built bicycles for twins
He had on hand
A suitable brand.
Called them Siamese Schwinns.
A centipede from Syracuse
Played 2nd base for the Backyard Blues.
He was two hours late
Reporting to the plate
After tying all of his shoes.
There was a golfer from Verdun
Who was not to be outdone.
To avoid glitches
He carried spare britches
In case he got a hole in one.
A witty truck driver named Tex
Was arrested, and likely suspects,
'twas the sign on his door
that caused the uproar
It read simply "Oedipus Wrecks"
There was a young boy in my way
Who was always happy and gay
He jumped and he ran
Like a crazy old man
To avoid the fast moving sleigh
There once was a boy named John
Who owned a fifty-dollar bond
He felt so lucky
He bought a BIG rubber ducky
And now his money is all gone
The once was a man with a fro
who went by the name of Moe.
One dark night
He forgot his light,
And what'd ya know, he stubs his toe!
There once was a man named Bill Beebee
Who was in love with a girl named Phoebe
He said I must see
what the wedding fee be
Before Phoebe be Phoebe B. Beebee
There once was a man from Spain,
who often stood out in the rain.
He said with a grin,
"I should do this again,"
and then he went on to a plane!
There once was a man named Joe
Who had very crusty toes
He had corns and bunions
That smelled like onions
And that's how the story goes
There once was a girl named O'Neil
Who went up on the great ferris wheel
But when half way around
She looked at the ground
And it cost her an eighty cent meal
There was a young fellow of Leeds
Who swallowed six packets of seeds.
In a month,silly ass,
He was covered with grass,
And he couldn't sit down for the weeds.
A greasy old wino named Ray
gave the dollar "Lotto" a play.
Son of a bitch!
The bum struck it rich
and now he swills Mouton-Cadet!
There once was a cat named Pat,
Who didn't know where he was at,
He looked up and down,
and then turned around,
Ran into a wall and went splat!!!
There was a young man from Lenore,
Whose mouth was as wide as a door.
While attempting to grin,
He slipped and fell in,
And laid inside out on the floor.
There once was a woman from Crete
who was so exceedingly neat,
when she got out of bed
she stood on her head
to keep from soiling her feet.
There once was a bear at the zoo
Who always had something to do
When it bored him, you know,
to go to and fro,
he reversed it and went fro and to.
There once was a boy named Joe
Who dropped a big brick on his toe
He asked, with a frown,
"Will the swelling go down?"
And the doctor said, "Yes. I think so."
There once was a monster named Ned
He hid under little kids beds
He laid there all night
Waiting for a big bite
Only to be kicked in the head
There was a guy named Willy
Who liked to eat chile,
One day he ate too much,
His stomach went grunch
and made his house a smelly.
A daring and very bold tyke.
He took many chances,
Until he got squashed by a bike.